The Bearded Weirdo Salutes... Linda Blair

"She's Cupid with a poison arrow, and she's got it aimed at you. She'll find your heart no matter what you do. Cover yourself. Don't go out alone at night. 'Cause she's dressed to kill and she's got you in her sights. She's a killer! And she's got her on eye on you! She's a killer! And there's nothing you can do! If you get too close to her, she'll cut you like a knife. She's a killer! She just might take your liiiiiiife!" - Michael Bradley, "Killer"

Whenever the time comes for the movie buff community to argue over just which fright flick is the single scariest horror movie of all time, inevitably the same batch of titles will get burped up. Stanley Kubrick's adaptation of THE SHINING is a popular choice, as are the original versions of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. Classically minded cineastes tend to lean more in the direction of films like the Universal FRANKENSTEIN or DRACULA, or silent shockers such as NOSFERATU or THE CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI. On rare occasions, someone will bring up a few entries from Hammer Studios' extensive catalog. And brainier motion picture enthusiasts will undoubtedly herald Alfred Hitchcock's PSYCHO. But it seems like the movie that usually comes out on top, the one that gets that coveted number one spot more often than any other film, ...is William Friedkin's THE EXORCIST.

There's a lot you could say about THE EXORCIST, about what made it so terrifying and what made it so important, as well as why it still holds up so well today. But, for me, the thing I like to talk about most when chattin' 'bout THE EXORCIST is a cute girl who loved to ride horses named Linda Blair.

Truth be told, I'm not a huge fan of THE EXORCIST. I love and respect it just as much as any horror fan worth his salt, but, god help me, I've always been more partial to John Boorman's underrated, misunderstood, ahead-of-its-time sequel THE EXORCIST 2: THE HERETIC. Which also starred Linda Blair, albeit an older, wiser, and sexier Linda Blair. Who still loved, and continues to love, horses (as well as animals in general... Bearded Weirdo Factoid: Blair has grown up to be an outspoken animal rights activist and vegan, and she started her own non-profit organization, The Linda Blair WorldHeart Foundation, which rescues abused and neglected animals... all together now: awwwwwww).

I first saw the original EXORCIST as an elementary school whippersnapper, and, as you'd expect, it scared me shitless. Literally. There were Hershey stains on my underoos, no kidding. Actually, I can't back that up for sure. But I'm gonna assume I pooped myself. Because THE EXORCIST will do that to a youngster, and I've no illusions about being a battle-hardened Vietnam vet before the age of ten. But goosebumps weren't the only thing I got out of this bona fide filmic laxative. I also found looooove. Cue the Barry White music, baby.

See, the age at which I was first exposed to THE EXORCIST was also the age at which I first discovered the myriad joys of the fairer sex. Yes sir, I was at that point in my life where girls were becoming more than just irritants for whom the best cure was a handful of worms tossed in their hair-do's. I was starting to develop my first puppydog crushes, and, though I was still several years younger than she was in when she made the movie, as soon as I laid eyes on Ms. Blair in THE EXORCIST (before all the crotch-stabbing and pea soup-spewing, mind you) it was all over. I was totally, irreversibly, irrevocably smitten.

Of course, the majority of my heart will forever belong to Cassandra Peterson, and the first crush I ever had on any girl ever was on Elvira, that busty, black satin-wrapped Mistress Of The Dark. However, the second crush I ever had was undoubtedly on Linda Blair. Unless you count that one girl who lived down the street from me, and who kissed me under the slide at the Quality Hill Playground and then promptly broke my heart in two when she told me she didn't want to go back to my house with me and watch my Adam West Batman video tapes. But I don't want to count her... because of the pain involved in her remembrance. ::sniffle::

So, yeah, I totally fell for Linda Blair. Hard. She was just so damned cute! How could you resist her? Even today, she has the kind of smile that would melt the heart of the hardiest extraterrestrial ice giant who ever walked the frozen tundra of Pluto. Obviously, my wide-eyed puppy-love for Ms. Blair immediately put me into conflict with the traumatized part of myself that never, ever wanted to watch THE EXORCIST again. Luckily, the local video store had a number of items from the woman's oeuvre available on V.H.S., just waitin' to get rented, and none of them would prove as harsh and downright chilling as THE EXORCIST.

Over the years, as my hunger for sleazy sinema and b-movie schlock grew more and more insatiable, I discovered the rest of Ms. Blair's outstanding filmography. To this day, my favorite film of her's remains SAVAGE STREETS. On the Bearded Weirdo patented five-point rating scale, it never fails to rank a solid five out of five. It's an A+ all the way. A perfect film in each n' every way. Honestly, if you haven't seen it... you must. You have no fucking idea what you're missing out on. Don't wait one second longer! Go out and buy yourself a copy on the double! I command thee!

I didn't actually see SAVAGE STREETS until much much later, though. In truth, the first movie I remember seeing of Linda's after THE EXORCIST was the spoofy parody of that same film, in which she acted opposite Leslie Nielsen, called REPOSSESSED. Y'see, before I really, really started getting into the horror genre with a vengeance, my favorite movie genre, aside from the superhero genre, was that goofy, off-the-wall, joke-a-minute type of comedy that movies like AIRPLANE, U.H.F., and ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES did so well. So, naturally, when I saw REPOSSESSED, I loved it. Nowadays, in retrospect, I see that it's not really the best of those NAKED GUN-style knee-slappers, but it's still quite good, and it holds a soft spot in my heart because, one, it melds humor with horror, which I always have a weakness for (as far as I'm concerned, the horror-comedy is the most ingenious genre ever devised), and, two, because it stars Linda Blair. And I looooove my dear sweet Linda.

She was born in 1959, and got into acting, initially, through commercials. Before her breakout performance in THE EXORCIST, she appeared in many commercials, one movie (of little interest), and a soap opera. Following THE EXORCIST, she was a frequent visitor to the weird and wonderful world of cult cinema psychosis, but was also no stranger to Hollywood blockbusters (such as AIRPORT '75, which had a role in). In 1982 she decided to pose topless in Oui Magazine, much to the drooling delight of Blair-addicted perverts the world over, including yours cruelly. To get decidedly crass for a moment (not that I've ever been criticized of being too high-brow... nope, not ever), let me just say that Ms. Blair is responsible for many, many... (hmmm, what's the right word?) ...boners, in my life, and many, many moments of self-pleasure. I've spent many a long night combing the internet for as many pictures from the aforementioned Oui photo shoot as I can find, and then several hours afterward wanking myself into a daze. I know Linda's a big animal-lover, but, I don't care; if I had the chance I would do all kinds of devious things to her pussy. Ba-zing!

To this day, I'm putty in Ms. Blair's hands (just as much as my Johnson is putty in mine). I tell ya, I'd walk across hot coals for this woman. Her beauty and charm hypnotizes me, and I think her talent as an actress is both undeniable and, sadly, underestimated. Furthermore, her resume' is full of kick-ass classicks that, though they may not be for everyone, are certainly top-shelf legends in my book. In addition to the first two EXORCIST movies, SAVAGE STREETS, and REPOSSESSED, this chick has got a multitude of crazy-cool cult flicks floating under her belt. There's the moody 1981 slasher film HELL NIGHT, the funky-fresh disco-on-wheels camp juggernaut ROLLER BOOGIE (it always reminds me of XANADU, only way better!), the awesome punks vs. mega monster whacked-out wonder GROTESQUE, the caustic made-for-television juvenile detention drama BORN INNOCENT (in which the lovely Linda is raped with a plunger!!!), the frozen flesheater flick THE CHILLING, Wes Craven's trendy post-modern masked madman movie SCREAM, and, well, about eight thousand women-in-prison movies. Alright, maybe not that many, but there sure were a lot of 'em. The best of her W.I.P. adventures would probably have to be 1983's CHAINED HEAT, a sleazy little scum number which sees Blair sharing some sudsy shower scene sexiness with fellow cult cinema mainstay Sybil Danning.

Ms. Blair also has the distinction of co-starring not once, but twice (!), with David Hasselhoff, once in the must-see supernatural shocker WITCHERY, and again in the less-than-essential bargain basement actioner BAIL-OUT. Furthermore, she's also one of the few scream queens in horror history to earn deserved recognition for her acting accomplishments by both the underground and mainstream alike, as evidenced by the fact that, unlike kindred b-movie luminaries a la' Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer, Linda Blair has actually got a genuine Academy Award nomination glowing in her background. Julie Strain was never up for an Oscar, boyo! What's more, Blair has actually gone on to win two (count 'em: two!) Golden Globes, which is appropriate, considering the aforementioned Oui photo spread showed off to the world the fact that she's got two rather impressive "golden globes" of her own.

Throughout her career, she's proven time and time again that she can play just about any role you could throw at her with charisma, finesse, and skill. She's pulled off shit-talkin' busty babe badasses, virginal college students, jailed convicts, and sweet n' innocent holy warriors of virtue. She's done horror, action, drama, comedy, and everything in between. Rape-revenge, supernatural satanism, zombie violence, feel-good music-and-dance operettas, and, yeah, W.I.P. garbage cans. And she's done it all with equal levels of professionalism, grace, and that one certain quality that's hard to quantify but easy to detect, that certain innate magic that makes a performer, for lack of a better word, cool. Coooooool. Linda Blair's got cult coolness emanating from every pore of her being. Coooooool.

Over the years, us videophiles have had the pleasure of watching her blossom, going from an adorable cutie-pie to gorgeous young lady to full-blown woman and, now, a sultry, smoking hot cougar with curves in all the right places. Interestingly enough, she's never lost some of that "innocent cuteness" that she had in her childhood, and retains an aura of sinless sweetness even today. You can see it everytime she smiles that legendary smile of her's.

Also, will you get a load of them knockers? Holy Toledo! No joke, if I had my way, I'd build myself a cozy little log cabin right between those pendulating gazongas and live the rest of my life nestled euphorically between her breasts. 'Nuff said.

Linda Blair, the Bearded Weirdo salutes you!

Until next slime...
Stay sick!
Your pickled pal,
William Weird.