Once Bitten (1985)

Before Jim Carrey got super-famous and super-rich by being America's favorite spastic, Hawaiian shirt-wearin' pet detective, he was just another largely unknown actor/comedian trying to find a niche. One of the projects he worked on prior to achieving his big break was the vampire sex comedy ONCE BITTEN, a movie Carrey no doubt looks back on as merely a stepping stone to where he is today. But as someone who actually wasted good money to see THE NUMBER 23 while it was in theaters (I don't even know why I bothered... that movie never had a fucking chance), I think I have the right to put my two cents in as to just which of Carrey's movies should be forgotten and which should be lauded.


In ONCE BITTEN, Carrey plays Mark, an undersexed loser who drives an ice cream truck for living, and who dangles lifelessly at the very bottom of the high school boots-knockin' food-chain thanks to his saintly significant other's steadfast refusal to spread her pearly gates for his engorged love-muscle. Sucks to be him.

Distraught over the fact that everyone else in the world seems to be getting laid, Mark turns to Jamie and Russ, two pervy pals of his who work at the nearby outdoor burger stand. Despite the rather pointed problem that this pair of giggling dipshit dimwits has even less of a clue about the nature of love n' lovemaking than Mark himself (note that these bumbling morons are unable to even freshen their breaths correctly), Jamie and Russ somehow manage to come up with a winning plan. They'll leave the wasteland of suburbia behind in favor of a night on the town in fabulous Hollywood, California. Then, after taking ample time to soak up the glamorous glory of those star-studded big city nights (where, evidently, it's a-okay to walk your pet lion, as long as it's on a leash), they'll hit up a a tacky singles bar, where they'll just happen to run across a mysterious, wealthy woman who goes only by the title of Countess, and who will promptly proposition Mark for a bout of steamy, no-strings-attached sex. Sound like an unlikely plan? Ha! Shows how much you know! 'Cause everything happens exactly the way I just described, and it all goes off without a hitch. Well, almost without a hitch.

Almost.

Seems the Countess isn't just any dick-starved upper-crust yuppie cunt. She's a dick-starved upper-crust yuppie cunt who also happens to be a vampire! Not only that, but she's vain. Being ageless, apparently, takes its toll on your appearance. The only way to consistently rejuvenate herself, we're told, is by feeding on the blood of a virgin, something not to easy to find outside of the kindergarten population in the 1980's, when promiscuous sex evidently ran more rampant than questionable wardrobe choices (and considering what we know today about neon 80's fashions, that's sayin' something). Thus, Mark ends up on the receiving end of a whole different kind of penetration when she sinks her fangs into his thigh and makes a midnight snack ouf of his sacred hemoglobin.


Not too long after Mark's sanguinary stay at the Countess' happenin' pad, he begins going through some... changes. He grows pale, starts wearing all black, and takes catnaps in his footlocker. Heck, the guy starts the movie with a taste for burgers well-done enough to be burnt-black charcoals, but soon finds himself craving raw meat. Holy fuckoly! Could it be? Is he... ::gasp:: ...is he turning into a vampire?

Shock! Horror!

There ya have it, ladies n' gents, the plot of ONCE BITTEN, one of a handful of woefully underloved motion pictures which tried fusing the 80's teen sex comedy genre with horror themes. The one that ONCE BITTEN probably has the most in common with is 1987's MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE, but both films owe a debt to the much-celebrated Michael J. Fox star vehicle TEEN WOLF, which is the grandaddy of all 1980's teen monster movies, and the trendsetter that flicks like ONCE BITTEN, MY BEST IS A VAMPIRE, TEEN WITCH, and FULL MOON HIGH were obviously intended to follow in the paw prints of. Though none of these copycat films ever attained the popularity of TEEN WOLF, they've all developed decent cult followings all their own.

In ONCE BITTEN, Jim Carrey displays the same high-voltage, rubber-faced gusto that made him a bona fide comic powerhouse in the 90's. Thomas Ballatore and Skip Lackey are okay as his friends, though both are mostly forgettable, with only Lackey standing out even mildly. They remind me a skosh of the main character's sidekicks from KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE. The Countess is played by Lauren Hutton, who fits the role perfectly. One quibble though. Much talk is made about how "hot" she is and how big her boobs are, but in reality she's a skinny, boney, flat-chested, dried-up Farrah Fawcett wanna-be. Blech! She looks more believable in senior citizen make-up than as a drool-inducing babe. Yikes! I will admit she does a decent job on the acting front, though.


Stealing the limelight everytime he's on-screen, meanwhile, is the legendary Cleavon Little (of legendary BLAZING SADDLES and VANISHING POINT fame, and esoteric SURF 2 obscurity), who portrays the Countess' flamboyant, obviously gay, quip-spittin' manservant Sebastian. Finally, rounding out the cast and filling the role of Mark's girlfriend Robin is Karen Kopins. The character of Robin is an affable, virginal peach, and the irresistible Ms. Kopins hits it right out of the park here. She is both heartwarmingly loveable and, unlike Hutton, truly boner-inspiringly hot. Exactly the kind of girl you'd wanna nail if you were dating her, and exactly the kind of girl you'd know would make you wait until you were ready to start contemplating suicide before she'd even think about giving in to your lecherous requests.

Of course, because Ms. Kopins is so utterly enticing, and because we live in a dreadfully imperfect world, we never once get any serious, scintillating sneak-peeks o' skin from this wonderful example of female beauty. Damn! Damn! Double damn!

Though Mark is the main character of the piece, the main conflict quickly becomes Robin quarreling with the Countess over his affections, as opposed to him resisting his newfound bloodsucker urges or navigating the perils n' pitfalls of being a creature of the night (which is, meanwhile, the focus of the exceptionally superior MY BEST FRIEND IS VAMPIRE... god, I love that flick). The Countess, as previously stated, has to get three separate "transfusions" from a virgin host in order to retain her youthful appearance (personally, I think someone needs to tell her it ain't helpin' anyway) with the unholy ritual needing to be finished by midnight, October 31st. If she succeeds (and with a host of hypnotic supernatural powers at her disposal, she's got a significant advantage), she gets to remain beautiful for another century or two, and he is turned into one of the immortal undead... forever. Robin, naturally, is less than willing to just stand by and let her main man get transformed into a nosferatu neck-muncher. Thus, the ladies clash, and, because we all know that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned (or, in this case, a woman engaged in a Jerry Spring-esque feud, in the parlance, with, "some ho who ain't gonna be stealin' my man away from me, no way now how, sista"), the clash is friggin' epic.


Yes sir, ONCE BITTEN is a timeless tale of good versus evil. The goody-two-shoes, innocent sweetie-pie versus the rich, posh, bitchy blond succubus. Poor Mark, haunted by dreams of himself dressed like Bela Lugosi amid a variety of schlock-grade special effects and overenthusiastic fog machines. Poor Mark, forced to choose between two women, one who really loves him and one who just wants him for his body (or, rather, his blood). Poor Mark. All he wanted was to get his cherry popped, not his arteries!

This svelte, fast-paced feature leaves little room for tedium or redundancy, filling out its 94 minute runtime nicely, only occasionally going off onto brief tangents, most of which are nevertheless quite enjoyable. One scene that really has very little to do with the main plot features Jamie and Russ going off on a brief quest to get some action. Their attempt to pick up some birds at the local laundromat ends with one turning tail in terror from a particularly aggressive (and kinky) middle-aged housewife, while the other one gets shoved into a dryer. Stupid, but still fun enough to get you gigglin' a wee bit.


Curiously, horror junkies will notice a smattering of familiar faces from the FRIDAY THE 13TH series popping up in ONCE BITTEN, including Stu Charno ("Teddy" from PART 2), Carey More (one of the hot twins from THE FINAL CHAPTER), and Dominick Brascia (the tubby kid who gets hacked into quivering, bloody giblets over a chocolate bar in the first fifteen minutes of A NEW BEGINNING). Cult cinema geeks with an observant ear may also notice that the ice cream truck jingle in ONCE BITTEN is (coincidentally) the same tune used by Max Renn's "Civic T.V." channel in David Cronenberg's brilliant body-horror classic VIDEODROME (one of my top ten favorite movies of all time, by the way). These six-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon connections aside, though, there's not much tying ONCE BITTEN to the horror genre, aside from the whole "vampire" angle at the center of the plot. This is a movie that has its roots firmly planted in the soil of the teen sex/high school hijinks comedy genre.

Once again, the monster transformation here is used merely as a metaphor for adolescent maturity. Less as an allegory for puberty (as with TEEN WOLF) and more of a symbol for the changes a young man goes through after losing his virginity. ONCE BITTEN is a tad like LOSIN' IT, by way of Hammer Studios. Unfortunately, though there's little debating whether or not this picture counts as a "sex comedy," there's still the problematic fact that ONCE BITTEN is rated P.G.-13, so it hasn't got as much ribald raunch you'd hope for in a post-PORKY'S teen sex comedy movie born in the Decade Of Excess. Still, it does have enough other good stuff going for it to keep you entertained.

Being that this is a good-times 80's comedy movie, it's unsurprising that this vampire story is relatively light on bite n' shy of bloodshed. That's a given. What's more surprising, though, is, as I just mentioned, the movie's almost wholesale lack of real-deal raunch. There is absolutely no explicit nudity whatsoever on display. There's almost no sex, and what little there is occurs entirely off-screen.

Our heroes here may be on the lookout for poontang, but they're still, for the most part, reserved, polite, well-mannered dorks. They're not the thrill-seeking pranksters of SKI SCHOOL, the hormone-crazed hedonist hellions of ANIMAL HOUSE, or the libidinous voyeurs of PORKY'S. Even the bespectacled dweebs from REVENGE OF THE NERDS tended to have a more daring wild side than these dudes. While that certainly costs these fellas some serious man points, it also gives them an advantage over many other 80's teen sex comedy protagonists. Instead of just being one-dimensional class clowns, these guys are actually somewhat realistic characters. Mind you, I'm nowhere near arguing that ONCE BITTEN has even a fraction of the achingly heartfelt, true-to-life naturalism of THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN or FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH. And don't think for a second that they're John Hughes characters either. Just because I say they're not one-dimensional, doesn't mean I'd go so far as to describe them as fully multidimensional. They do have a little bit more depth than the characters in, say, BIKINI SHOP for instance, but they're still essentially, predominantly generic teenagers. Whatever the case, the point simply is that the heroes of ONCE BITTEN are not the randy horndogs that most lesser comedy films of the 1980's would have you believe all teenagers were back then.


Despite it's apparent unwillingness to "cut loose," the film remains watchable thanks to Jim Carrey's charismatic performance, the beautiful Karen Kopins' believability (and adorability) as his girlfriend, Cleavon Little's snappy, snippy, witty gay characterture, the overall campy tone, a well-written script, and some exceedingly well-executed jokes. The bit where the Countess gets pissed at her lunkhead henchmen for smashing all the doors in her house is particularly funny.

Another scene that needs to be mentioned is the big dance number. Yes, that's right. There's a dance number in the movie. I swear, I'm not making this up.

As the picture begins gearing up for the big finale, Robin and Mark attend the big Halloween dance at their school. Before you know it, the Countess shows up and, in a scene that practically dares its characters to say "No really, we didn't choreograph this at all, ...seriously, it's totally spontaneous," Robin, Mark, and the Countess all engage in a three-way dance-off that has to be seen to believed. It's the kind of dopey, silly scene that could only be played for something even minutely resembling straight in a story that come about as byproduct of the big hair/little brain 1980's. The rug is cut, and the moves are busted, but, most importantly, Karen Kopins finally sluts things up a li'l whilst out on the dance floor. All in an attempt to save her dear loverboy's very soul. Honest to god, I kept waiting for Robin to yell out a resounding "You got served!" Great, great stuff.

On a related note, the movie's soundtrack has a few killer tracks, including the one that plays during the above-described dance scene, a slinky orchestral number that plays just about every single time Sebastian is on-screen, and the catchy theme song "Once Bitten" performed by 3-Speed.


Of all the scenes in the movie, that big dance number is probably the best, and it's the main reason (along with Jim Carrey's involvement) that most folks remember ONCE BITTEN at all. The direction displays an occasional visual flourish (such as in the numerous vampire dream sequences, the shopping-for-clothes sequence, and many of the sequences that take place at the Countess' frigid palatial estate), but rarely does any of it compare to that dance scene. No other moment in ONCE BITTEN can even hope to match it for sheer chutzpah.

Kudos to whatever nutzoid whackjob looked at this vampire sex comedy and said to him or herself "man, this movie sure could use a big, meticulously composed dance number." Kudos!

Additional kudos goes to whoever came up with some of the more memorable snatches of dialogue sprinkled throughout. While there are a few tin-ear trip-up's wherein it's clear that whoever wrote this script must've been just completely asleep at the wheel, those easily forgivable boo-boos are heavyily outweighed by a veritable gold mine of stupendously silly, exceptionally clever, instantly quotable lines, some of my favorites of which, I will now highlight for you proudly.

Robin tells off the Countess: "Mark doesn't want you, because you're mean and evil. He wants me, because I'm nice and sweet and pure. So fuck off!"

Russ, armed with a torch: "How would you like your crotch set on fire?"
Sebastian, without missing a beat, responds: "Oooh, rough trade."

Mark, describing the night's sleep he had at the Countess' crib: "I had the weirdest dream. You know those little packets of fresh fruit juice, made out ot tin foil, where you stick little straws in them to open them? I think I dreamt I was one of those."

The Countess summoning her trusted butler: "Okay, Sebastian, out of the closet, now!"

Robin, upon finding out about Mark's infidelity: "I can't believe you're willing to throw away our relationship on a one-night stand with a chauffeur, a butler, and a slut who eats buttons."

Russ' reaction to the Jamie's interpretation of "bringing protection," which turns out to be a rubber glove: "You intend to invite four friends?"

Sebastian sums up suburbia: "Bowling alleys? R.V.'s? Chicken McNuggets?"

And, last but not least, Russ' overused number one pick-up line: "I'm a mature person and you're a mature person, so why don't we skip all the bullshit, lose our inhibitions, and, uh, do what it is we really wanna do?"

Overall, the script of ONCE BITTEN is one of its main strengths, along with the talented cast. Some of the humor comes from lame (but still modestly effective) gags about homosexuals n' transvestites, and there's a little bit of slapstick here n' there as well, but if that's not to your tastes then, rest assured, there's still much beyond that to hold your interest. It may not leave you in stiches, but there's surely enough authentically witty, dry li'l zingers littered throughout to keep you chucklin' with a decent amount of regularity.

When all is said n' done, ONCE BITTEN is, at times, audaciously stupid. But that's all part of its appeal. This is a movie that manages to be cute, kitschy, and cult without ever really wearing too thin. In all honesty, the whole movie is a pretty flimsy piece of work to begin with, and it's held together just barely by little more than the grace of god. Yet, somehow, it all works, and it remains extremely entertaining even after several repeat viewings. Although this isn't the finest example of the horror-themed comedy subgenre (not to be confused with the full-blown horror-comedy genre), you could do a lot worse (SATURDAY THE 14TH, any of the Wayans' SCARY MOVIE flicks) just as easy as you could do better (I recommend SHRIEK IF YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST FRIDAY THE 13TH, as well as the aforementioned MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE).


ONCE BITTEN just goes to show, you don't necessarily need a lot of T&A to make a quality teen sex comedy. Especially if you've already added vampire to the mix.

Then again, a little T&A would've probably made ONCE BITTEN twice as good in my book.

Karen Kopins, why have you forsaken me?

Until next slime...
Stay sick!
Your pickled pal,
William Weird.



Rating: 3.5 out of 5 double-wide deluxe coffins with extra-spacious room for lovemaking
Recommendation: buy it
Best moment: Robin rips off her costume n' gets funky on the dance floor